27th
More Honesty Than You Bargained For
If you think this website respects and is hindered by the same social mores that govern interpersonal relationships and polite conversation, don’t read any further. These days, a lot of people worry about how the online confluence of their public and private lives can hurt their reputations and even job eligibility.
I am not one of those people.
So, without further ado, here’s an excerpt from my physical checkup today.
Personal Family Friend / Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: No
PFF/Doc: Drugs?
Me: No
PFF/Doc: Sexually active?
Me: Yes.
PFF/Doc: Single partner? Multiple?
Me: Multiple.
PFF/Doc: Using protection?
Me: Yes, but not every time. (Pause) Which is about as good as “no.”
PFF/Doc: (Eyebrows up, head tilted, looking disappointed) Can I convince you to?
Me: I’m totally convinced. I know the risks and I’m equipped, but I’ve made some bad calls in the heat of the moment. I’m probably the first. Can I have an STD screening?
Later…
PFF/Doc: (Holding what appears to be an engine oil dipstick for a diesel engine) I’m gonna need a swab. You can probably guess where this goes?
Me: I can guess, thanks to my friend Tucker Max.
…
I’ve had a chance to review the story linked above and now realize that Mr. Max suffered an encounter with a 16-inch Foley Catheter, which is for draining your bladder when you can’t control it (like during surgery). I doubt the discomfort of my “swab” can compare.
Still convinced penises are designed for one-way traffic though.
Note: I’ll be sure to share my test results and any ensuing treatment if they’re positive as a deterrent to anyone dumb enough to repeat my oversight.
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